Rincewind's Greatest Hits
by Mobius Shadow
Summary: A collection of parodied songs by/about Rincewind for the young and old. There are NINE now- 'What Would the Great Wizard Do?! R
1. Runnin's Easy

To the tune of Gordon Lightfoot's "Take it Easy"- which I do not own; don't sue, please.  
  
Well I'm a runnin' down the road Tryin' to loosen my load, Self-preservation is on my mind. Some want me dead, some want my head, They're all convinced I committed a crime.  
  
Runnin's easy, runnin's easy It's better than a painful end, You better believe me. Runnin' while you still can, Is better than a fight-and-stand; Leave him in a cloud of sand; Runnin's easy!  
  
Well I'm standing in line And safe for a time; In crowds I'm hard to see. But with my Wizzard's hat And robes and all that, They'll find me eventually.  
  
Curse my out-fit! Curse my out-fit! But I'm stuck in rut of habit and can't get out of it. Through the crowd the police plow; I stick out like a purple cow; Only the Luggage can save me now; Runnin's easy!  
  
Well I'm runnin down the road Tryin' to loosen my load, Think I'm gonna die this time. Even if it won't respect me, The Luggage will protect me, And I may yet write another rhyme.  
  
Runnin's easy, runnin's easy It's better than a painful end, You better believe me. Runnin' while you still can, Is better than a fight-and-stand; Leave him in a cloud of sand; Runnin's easy!  
  
Oh, runnin's easy, But NEVER take it easy! 


	2. Don't Point That Thing at Me

Well, for the younger set, i.e. myself and just about that rest of the Fanfiction community, comes a more recent song to parody: to the tune of "Don't Stand so Close to Me" (Which I also don't own) by The Police. The commas indicate pauses.  
  
He's running, for his life;  
  
Through streets and alleyways.  
  
He's trying hard, not to be killed  
  
That's how he spends his days.  
  
Oh no now, they've seen him,  
  
Their victory seems set;  
  
Yet somehow, he escapes-  
  
They haven't caught him yet!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
They've found him, they've caught him;  
  
They throw him in a cell  
  
This isn't, uncommon-  
  
He knows this all too well.  
  
He is not, the criminal  
  
That he seems to be  
  
It's all just, a mistake;  
  
Which he can't make them see!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
He's broken out, and deceived  
  
Their dimwit prison guard  
  
By the time, they find out  
  
He's made it through the yard!  
  
With puffing, and groaning,  
  
He somehow climbs the gate  
  
The army is too slow to catch him-  
  
Their leader is irate!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me!  
  
Don't point-  
  
Don't point that-  
  
Don't point that thing at me! 


	3. Only the Slow Die Young

Okay. This is hit #3, "Only the Slow Die Young" to the tune of "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel.  
  
* * *  
  
Come on, have mercy, let's go now Twoflower,  
  
We've walked through this city for nearly an hour,  
  
The looks I'm getting are becoming sour:  
  
I'm thinking that we should run.  
  
Uh oh, they're coming; they've got spears and knives,  
  
I think around now we should run for our lives,  
  
And now I believe it is safe to surmise:  
  
Our touristing days are done.  
  
Only the slow DIE YOUNG, Only the slow die young.  
  
  
  
Here is a shed, let's bolt inside,  
  
(There is a science in just where to hide)  
  
Now aren't you glad you've got me as a guide;  
  
So what if we're standing in dung.  
  
Oh good they've passed us, I prayed that they would,  
  
Now just look natural, okay that's good,  
  
Yeah, I'd wipe my shoes off too if I could;  
  
But I never said this'd be fun.  
  
And only the slow DIE YOUNG, only the slow die young.  
  
  
  
We've got a five-minute head start and we've almost got past the villas!  
  
If you don't slow,  
  
Then I know where to go,  
  
And if we hide in the woods then I don't think they can find or kill us!  
  
  
  
I can't figure out why they want us both dead,  
  
Was it something you or I said?  
  
But they can't catch us now; we're too far ahead  
  
And thank the gods that is done.  
  
And only the slow DIE YOUNG, only the slow die young.  
  
  
  
Yes I'm glad that's over and I wonder what we'll do for dinner  
  
You remembered? Oh great! Oh,  
  
I wouldn't suppose that we have potatoes? 


	4. Wizzard Hat

After getting reports of unfamiliar tunes, I have chosen something I am reasonably confident everyone has heard. If I'm wrong, ask your parents; they'll have it somewhere on tape. ~  
  
One is the cry, Two is the yell, Three is the shots Then run like hell! But don't you, touch my Wizzard hat!  
  
You can chase me with hammer spear arrow or mace, Proclaim me Great Wizard all over the place, But even if you do all that, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS DON'T TOUCH THAT HAT! So don't you, touch my Wizzard hat! You can do all that, but don't touch my Wizzard hat!  
  
You can drop me off the rim, rig the decks Strand me in the middle of Fourecks, But even if you do all that, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS DON'T TOUCH THAT HAT! So don't you, touch my Wizzard hat! You can do all that, but don't touch my Wizzard hat!  
  
One is the cry, Two is the yell, Three is the shots Then run like hell! But don't you, touch my Wizzard hat!  
  
Well it's hat, hat, Wizzard hat It's hat, hat, Wizzard hat Well it's hat, hat, Wizzard hat It's hat, hat, Wizzard hat You can do all that, but don't touch my Wizzard hat! 


	5. Do You Belive in Luck?

The hits keep coming. Today's parody: 'Do You Believe in Love', by Huey Lewis & The News.  
  
Note: all things in parentheses are spoken, not sung. Commas: Pauses, just like in 'Don't Point That Thing at Me."  
  
Well I was runnin', down a one-way street,  
  
Avoiding, seven cops on the beat,  
  
I dodge them, and have a moment to think,  
  
One question, arises in my head-  
  
What are the odds, so many should want me dead?  
  
So I'm thinkin'- quick gotta duck!  
  
If this is the work, of Fate or of Luck  
  
So here's the question (I hate when this happens!)  
  
(What the hell did I ever do?)  
  
  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Do you, believe in Fate  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Did I get some god irate?  
  
  
  
So I've escaped, and I'll wander around  
  
But as soon, as I enter I town,  
  
It'll be a new place, I'll have never been here before  
  
But the officials, will all want me dead,  
  
So I'll be runnin', to save my head,  
  
So here's the question (I hate when this happens!)  
  
(What the hell did I ever do?)  
  
  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Do you, believe in Fate  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Did I get some god irate  
  
  
  
I'm in one of Twoflower's icon-ographs,  
  
(I hate those damn things)  
  
Tell him to use it on my epitaph!  
  
(I'm too young to die!)  
  
  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Do you, believe in Fate  
  
Do you, believe in Luck?  
  
Did I get some god irate 


	6. Gods Rest ye Peaceful, Wizzard Man

Well, it's Christmas, and no-one is getting out of here without reading this.  
  
To the tune of 'God Rest Ye Merry, Gentleman'  
  
* * *  
  
Gods rest ye peaceful, wizzard man,  
  
May you sleep well tonight,  
  
may no villain lurk inside your dreams,  
  
and you pee your pants in fright,  
  
let nothing harm your battered soul,  
  
So come down off the wall,  
  
and join us in our reveries,  
  
it's Hogswatch after all,  
  
Oh, Peace for Rincewind tonight, Rincewind tonight,  
  
Oh, peace for Rincewind tonight.  
  
  
  
For just a few hours Rincewind,  
  
forget what you have seen,  
  
and crack a couple lousy jokes  
  
with the Bursar and the Dean,  
  
the most harmless people on this world,  
  
and several others too,  
  
are here at the fuculty party,  
  
here in Unseen U,  
  
Oh, peace for Rincewind tonight, Rincewind tonight,  
  
Oh, peace for Rincewind tonight.  
  
  
  
So help yourself to the punch,  
  
get out from under your desk,  
  
and celebrate the brand new year  
  
with Ridcully and Esk,  
  
for one shining golden instant,  
  
forget what might be,  
  
whether tomorow you are safe in bed,  
  
or hiding in a tree,  
  
Oh, peace for Rincewind tonight, Rincewind tonight,  
  
Oh, peace for Rincewind tonight. 


	7. Use the Clay Any How

This is a parody of "Let's drop the big one", which I don't own.  
  
***  
  
He doesn't like them- I'm not sure why  
  
But I think its cause the gods let people die  
  
But even so.  
  
I don't know.  
  
Cohen wants to use the thunder clay.  
I love the gods, even through this strife.  
  
But I'm not sure about my afterlife.  
  
Would we like it better if they try to rout us?  
  
I'm happy if the gods don't care about us!  
  
But he'll use the clay anyhow.  
Hunghung's too foreign, and Ephebie's too odd  
  
Sto Lat smells of cabbages  
  
Howondaland has too many gods  
  
Who may have given him pride and fame,  
  
But when he dies he simply cannot claim it!  
Maybe it won't affect Fourecks.  
  
Maybe they'll just go on,  
  
Even if the world is ending,  
  
If all the gods are gone!  
Boom goes Offler, boom goes Hat!  
  
Enough of this and enough of that!  
  
No more rites anywhere on the disc  
  
The people will make new ones without the risk!  
  
How happy I'll be!  
  
No more Luck or Fate for me!  
  
I can walk the streets in peace  
  
Without fear of blasphemy!  
But I'm not quite ready for that day  
  
When the gods all go away-  
  
He'll use the clay  
  
Any  
  
How! 


	8. The Odds are High

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. In fact, I'm not really sure who does (not counting the Discworld characters, prop. Pterry)  
  
To the tune of "The Tide is High" by Blondie. Try to imagine a really inebriated brass band in the background.  
  
The odds are high, but I'm not convinced,  
That we all won't wind up minced,  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast.  
Hells, no.  
  
This is my life, we're talking about  
So forgive me if I pout  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast.  
Hells, no.  
  
The odds are high, but I'm not convinced,  
That we all won't wind up minced,  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast  
  
Hells, no.  
  
The odds are high, but I'm not convinced,  
That we all won't wind up minced,  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast.  
Hells, no.  
  
This is my life, we're talking about  
So forgive me if I pout  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast.  
Hells, no.  
  
The odds are high, but I'm not convinced,  
That we all won't wind up minced,  
I'm not the sort of chap to make decisions real fast  
  
Hells, no.  
  
'Ad lib till end of song?' What the hell does that mean? I MAKE UP STUFF? Gods, who the hells came up with this. I like that effect the band has from six margaritas apiece, though. Twoflower, wake up Pretty Butterfly, and Eric, they've fallen asleep. Okay,  
  
FROM THE TOP! 


	9. What Would the Great Wizard Do?

A/N: Generally, these things are either sung by Rincewind or by, presumably, some random person. This one, however, is split up into the parts of Twoflower, Pretty Butterfly, and Lotus Blossom. The tune is one of my favorites: "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" from the South Park movie. I haven't seen the movie, but I love this song.  
  
TWOFLOWER: What would the Great Wizard do?  
  
If he was here with us?  
  
He'd make a spell and win the war,  
  
That's what the Great Wizard's for.  
  
BUTTERFLY: When a Sourceror was in Ankh,  
  
And caused a giant row,  
  
Rincewind made him go away,  
  
Though I'm not sure just how.  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM: When they almost threw him off the Rim,  
  
While he was in Krull,  
  
He beat their army to a pulp;  
  
He was so powerful.  
  
ALL: What would the Great Wizard do?  
  
If he was here with us?  
  
He'd make a spell and win the war,  
  
That's what the Great Wizard's for.  
  
BUTTERFLY: I want a glorious victory;  
  
Because I am in charge of the Red Army.  
  
LOTUS BLOSSUM: I just want Lord Hong  
  
To stop killing everyone.  
  
TWOFLOWRER: Wouldn't we stand up for justice too,  
  
Cause that's what the Great Wizard would do.  
  
ALL: What would the Great Wizard do?  
  
If he was here with us?  
  
He'd make a spell and win the war,  
  
That's what the Great Wizard's for.  
  
ALL: When the Great Wizard wins this war,  
  
And sets our country straight,  
  
The evil houses will be gone,  
  
From the government of the state!  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM:  
  
When the Great Wizard invented Klatch,  
  
He talked to A'Tu-In  
  
ALL [SLOWLY]: Cause the Great Wizard doesn't make sense to An-Y-Bod-Y.  
  
ALL: So let's go off together,  
  
And unite to stop Lord Hong,  
  
And we'll help Genghiz Cohen too,  
  
Cause that's what the Great Wizard would do.  
  
And we'll help Genghiz Cohen too,  
  
Cause that's what the Great Wizard would do.  
  
Cause that's what the Great Wizard would do! 


End file.
